11-28-2023
They say dreaming is a reflection of the subconscious. We dream of both desire and fear. I dream of you.
My earliest memories of my dreams were of arguments, and I guess the sufistication is the difference. Where there once was just noise, there is now plot and environment. Consistently, you were there.
Waking up in tears is one of the more notable things. I can’t tell if I would like to continue crying or to stop it. Though it feels uncontrollable just a moment prior, the feeling almost immediately evaporates as the details of the dream do the same.
When I dream of hopes, I wake up in the morning trying to force myself to go back to sleep. As great as it feels, without journalling, amnesia wins every time. Fear seems to operate differently — pain sticks and tears hold memories.
Today, I dreamed of arguments，less so of the loud noise that I would have previously feared, but of getting blamed. I dreamed of a past of being reprimanded. I felt hate with the knot in my chest, not for anyone but for myself. As much as I reasoned, as much as I begged, it was the same as it was. I was alone, and no one cared.
Persecution and suppression best describes it. And I almost wish I had a cooler fear. I love and fear you.
